Monday, August 29, 2005

I’ll admit that a lot of what Pat Robertson and his pals in The Christian Coalition profess to believe might not sound very Christian to the layperson, but my sources on the inside have uncovered a lost text from the Gospels that sheds new light on the religion of Reverend Robertson & Co. According to the text, unearthed in Robertson’s sock drawer, the following passage right after the Sermon on the Mount was somehow omitted, leading to two millennia of mistaken notions about Jesus’s true message:

“When Jesus came down from the mountain, great multitudes followed him. He ditched them, muttering ‘losers,’ and taking his disciples aside, said unto them, ‘all that BS about blessed this and blessed that and judge not lest ye be judged—forget about it—that’s for suckers. You’ll never get ahead in life thinking like that. Here’s what I really wanted to say. Now listen close.’

“The disciples pricked up their ears, and Jesus went on: “first of all, greed is good. Good for the economy, good for you, good for me. Binging, hoarding, cheating, conniving. Go for it. Any of those bleeding-heart liberals get in your way, remember: God is a Republican. So beat ‘em back. Tell ‘em, “get your own damn box!” And if they mouth off to you, cut out their tongues! And if they look at you funny, pluck out their eyes! If they’re the leader of an oil rich country, have special ops take ‘em out! It’s a heck of a lot cheaper than starting a war! And if somebody cries foul, you were a victim of bad intelligence! Remember: always the victim!’

“Jesus continued: ‘and that line about loving thy neighbor, and blabbidy bla. Good one, eh?’ The disciples nodded their appreciation. ‘Well, it blows both ways: hate your neighbor as yourself works just as good. And speaking of good, did I mention greed is good?’ The disciples grinned. ‘Yes, Lord,’ said Peter. ‘I always liked you, Peter,’ Jesus said. ‘I’m gonna call you The Rock.’ ‘Cool,’ said Peter. ‘Can I be called “Matty Mambo”?’ asked Matthew. ‘Sure,’ said Jesus. ‘I got dibs on Ace!’ said Andrew. ‘I wanna be called Queen Jaineba!’ cried Thaddeus. ‘Oh, Thad,’ said Jesus, rolling his eyes.

“Thomas cleared his throat. ‘But Lord, what about the, erm, poor?’ ‘Oh, them again?’ Jesus huffed. ‘Well, greed is good for them, too. In fact, if they were only a little better at being greedy, they’d be set. I mean, no one can be greedy for them. How’s that saying go? Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to rob a fisherman and he’s got sushi for life! So, go on out there and be robbers of fishermen! And remember: if all else fails, blame the Jews—oh, wait, I’m a Jew.’ Jesus knotted His brow in consternation. ‘Blame the gays and uppity women. Speaking of which: where is Mary Magdalene? I need my foot massage!’”


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