Sunday, April 23, 2006

Another Earth Day done and dusted. All I can say is: Earth, baby, you’ve got a little PR problem. I mean, what’s with you, lately? You used to be so willing. So compliant. We had a deal: “What’s ours is ours, and what’s yours is ours.” Remember? But lately, if it’s not a Category Five Hurricane, it’s a Monster Tsunami or a slew of Super-Tornadoes. If it’s not global warming, it’s global dimming. Seems like there’s no pleasing you. And, yes, it always seems to be about you these days. Well, what about us? What about our needs, Earth? Did you ever stop to think about that?

Oh, yeah, you had us fooled for awhile. Made yourself useful. You were like, “bring it on!” But when the going got tough? Admit it, Earth, you’re passive-aggressive. You’ve been harboring secret resentments all along. Well, how were we supposed to know? You just brood on it, apparently, and then, all the sudden, boom! If you’d just let us know when something’s eating you. But noooooo, you keep it to yourself and then all the sudden there’s a 7.4 on the Richter scale and half of Turkey is toast. So, what’s with the temper tantrums? Nobody likes a party-pooper, and that’s what you’re getting to be, Earth, if you want to know the truth.

And I’m not the only one who thinks so. I hate to break it to you, Earth, but your poll numbers are almost as low as the President’s. People are saying, “well, Earth used to be cool.” Some are even saying, “Earth lied us.” Pretty much everybody agrees: “Earth just isn’t keeping up her end.” It’s a credibility thing, Earth. And, you know, if your numbers keep sliding, we’ll find ourselves another planet. Don’t think we won’t. Hate to break it to you, but we happen to be looking. So kill the attitude. You’re not the only planet in the solar system. We all know there are others that are bigger, have more moons, and some even have rings. We’re talking bling you can see from about a billion miles away. So don’t think you’re All That.

You want to get back in our good graces, Earth? Got some advice for you: Cool down, and, for Pete’s sake, lighten up. Yeah, you used to be fun and exciting, Earth, but lately you’re getting to be a drag. I mean, bungee jumping was about the last cool thing anybody could do with you, and that’s naff now. What have you done for us lately? You act like you’re doing us this big favor just by being here. Put some effort into it, Earth! Give a little. We want more. We expect more. And you’re not cutting it. Here you come along with some pretty little spring flowers, maybe a nice sunset, and expect everybody to ooh and ah. Well, got news for ya: been there, done that. Big yawn. What else ya got? Seriously, make yourself useful. Otherwise, to borrow from the Donald: you're fired.

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